Dear Sexy Sage,
Being newly single, I started online dating. A few months ago, I met this super nice guy online through Match.com. On initial profile review, we seemed very compatible. He also was into yoga, meditation, philanthropy, social justice, the environment, and becoming his best self. He was a very doting dad and grandpa, was friends with his x-wife, and it was clear he had love to give the right partner.
We had tangible online rapport via zoom. When we leveled up to a socially distanced meeting over carrot juice, I noticed he talked on and on about himself. My women friends had told me that is the death knell of first-time dates.
After about an hour, it was clear that he wanted to impart to me his successes- business, financial, mission, brilliant work, although he remained somewhat bitter that the nonprofits he started were not more successful. No matter how much I tried to wrestle away a bit of air time for myself, he quickly commandeered the conversation back to himself and his self-appointed role as mansplainer.
We entered into an interesting dialogue after he learned I was not interested in seeing him again. He asked me with sincerity in his eyes what I was looking for in a partner. I told him that it was important to me to be with someone who wanted to truly relate. That there would be a give and take; that both of us felt heard, listened to, and seen. I saw his blank stare although he kept agreeing with me and thanking me for my insight and connected it to his x-wife who had withdrawn from him years back. He sounded like he felt sorry for himself. I wondered if his x-wife just got totally turned off to him after hearing him talk about himself and his unrecognized greatness for three decades. Maybe?
The priceless moment was when he said that if I really wanted a partner who could listen and empathize with me, because maybe I wanted a therapist more than a partner. After I laughed at the absurdity of that line, he said, after all he was a man of action and he started two companies. I told him maybe he needed a therapist if he thought his business acumen was helping him in the romance department.
Sexy Sage, are there going to be a lot more of these dudes to weed out? How can I avoid them?
Really?
Dear Really,
Yes, really that is going to happen! So you just have to pull up your big girl pants and get busy!
Online dating is best thought of as a job. You get out of it what you put into it. You have to figure out how to read between the lines of men’s online profiles. You need to be more discerning. You need to ask better questions on Zoom.
So you had a meh meeting. So what? It didn’t hurt you. It just was disappointing and a bit of a waste of your time that you could have spent searching for a better date! You gotta allow for this. Don’t let it stop you. You are shopping. You did a test drive with that car; you tried on those shoes, and now move on! You are one man closer to the right one!
Don’t worry so much and go forth!
